Quincy Jones and the Swedish Menace

An interesting question came up at work this week: What producer had the most number one hits. Because we all grew up before the Internet was really a thing, we did what old folks tend to do. We made conjectures and argued for and against each other’s positions. Younger people would have immediately turned to Google.

After reaching a group consensus that Beatles producer George Martin was likely the number one hit maker, we then turned to Google. What we found in this article was quite shocking. Quincy Jones, who we all thought must be the #2 hit maker, was not even in the top five. What? This is Quincy Jones. Look upon his works ye mighty and despair. Jazz master, film score composer, conductor, arranger, and all around master of music by his early thirties. Then he joined up with Lesley Gore to break into pop music and got his first number one hits.  How is Quincy not in the top five? Thriller. Remember Thriller? That was Quincy’s album.

There is only one reason: Quincy Jones has been deposed from his rightful place by state -subsidized socialist music from Sweden. And it all seemed so innocent back in the seventies when ABBA was the public face of Swedish Musical Socialism. After that came Ace of Base and The Cardigans to lull us into a sense of complacency. Little did we know that these were the first wave of an attack. At the dawn of the 21st Century, Phase II began. Sweden began importing pop stars from the US and Britain, sapping and impurifying their precious bodily fluids, and then exporting the music of our exploited pop stars to enrich the Swedish State.

And The Board is not kidding in calling it Musical Socialism. In the industry it’s known as the Swedish Pop Mafia, which as the linked article explains is the result of state subsidized musical education dating back to the 1940’s. Swedish motives at that time were the xenophobia and nationalism  common to socialist states, but ABBA, aka Phase I, showed that eventual global domination was possible.

The number two hit maker of all time is Swedish mastermind Max Martin. He is one of the two statist operatives who has deposed Quincy Jones from his rightful place in Music History. And take note Britons: Your national pride is at risk. Max Martin is just three hit singles away from ousting George Martin from the #1 spot held by the UK for forty years. You voted for Brexit. Revive the spirit of the Brexit vote and protect your national heritage from Swedish Musical Socialism.

The other creep who has crept into the top five producers list is Lukasz Gottwald, better known as Dr. Luke. Now some readers of The Board might not see the Swedish connection right away as Dr. Luke was born in the US to Polish immigrant parents. But you know what? Many Poles are of Swedish descent and “Gottwald” isn’t a proper Slavic surname. In any case, whether or not Dr. Luke is a Swede, he’s known to be a frequent collaborator with Max Martin, lures innocent aspiring American pop stars into the arms of the grasping Swedish Music Octopus, and regularly travels to Stockholm with our innocent and fragile American youth. And if you think The Board is exaggerating here, I assure you I am not. It’s as sordid as it sounds. FREE KE$HA!

Quincy Jones is still with us, but he’s unlikely to be able to regain his rightful rank now that he’s in his eighties. So let us remember him in his prime, when this hard-working, freedom-loving American was decades away from falling to the Swedish Conspiracy.

When bassist Louis Johnson died last year I had been watching a lot of his videos. Quincy Jones hired Johnson to work on many of his projects as both a bassist and songwriter, if you don’t know anything else Louis Johnson did, you surely know the bassline from Thriller’s “Billie Jean”. That was catchy, but it wasn’t Quincy and Louis’ best work together. The magic of YouTube brought me this rare footage from Japan of a song I had almost forgotten.

Here is “Ai no Corrida” taped in the early eighties from an unknown Japanese TV program. I will post links to the studio versions below the embed if you’re the kind of person who needs them:

Some people made comments at YT that Quincy Jones can’t dance. They misunderstand what he is doing. He is not dancing. He is CONDUCTING THE ORCHESTRA WITH HIS ASS.

This is is the best version of the song because not only do we get a good look at Louis Johnson’s percussive double thumb slap technique during the instrumental bridge, there is a second bass solo during the encore. One of Johnson’s best.

“Ai no Corrida” was written by Chaz Jankel of the Blockheads. Here’s his original version.  Catchy, but it sounds a bit thin compared to how Quincy Jones rearranged it.

I never knew what the title of this song meant. “Corrida” means bullfight in Spanish, but the rest of the title doesn’t make sense in Spanish. Turns out it’s Japanese with a Spanish loanword. “Ai no Corrida” means “bullfight of love” in Japanese. That was the Japanese title of of the controversial film we know in English as In the Realm of the Senses. 

I suppose that makes that song problematic, but there’s nothing in the lyrics that is about a woman choking a man and cutting off his penis. “You thrill me/half kill me” might be a reference to the real life events in 1930’s Japan depicted in the movie, but that’s a pretty normal lyric for a love song. And Tumblr kids seem to think this is all normal, while back in the late seventies In the Realm of the Senses was considered shocking.

Let’s just enjoy Quincy in his heyday, and fight Swedish Musical Socialism.

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